5 Easy Do It Yourself Home Improvement Projects For Conspiracy Theorists

Recently I discovered something amazing on Facebook, which just goes to show you that not all Facebook posts are lame. My cousin in New York shared an extremely important and informative link: a letter to the editor of the Wellsville Daily News dated March 11, 2008. It is entitled "Beware of the gadgets cops use and watch for lasers and nauseators," which should give you an idea not only of the letter's contents but also of the stock from which some of the people in the Wellsville area are cut. I will quote excerpts, but the letter is well worth reading in its entirety.

I don't know what a "nauseator" is, but this woman from Scio, one of Wellsville's neighboring towns, insists that they are "sold in cop catalogs" and are then used through the "computer input" and come out "through satellites and the towers." Which towers? I don't know. Maybe the Eye of Sauron was actually a gigantic nauseator. The Scio woman implies that many people have been "fatally killed" by these monstrosities.

A quick description of a nauseator attack shows why one ought to be concerned.

In February I walked out my back door getting zapped by invisible rays which burned by adenoids per the Holy Spirit. I lost large pieces of skin two days later and it caused coughing and vomiting. On February 18 my daughter and myself were both badly zapped at the Family Dollar parking lot in Wellsville. The tower above Dresser Rand I could see when looking in the direction my instant pain came from, plus the tower across from Long Vue was the direction of my other pain. I moved my vehicle as quickly as possible and got into heavy traffic which I believed saved us. Thank God.

Thank God indeed. Close call. She goes on to say that she had to leave her home and stay in hotels for a while to escape, but she finally managed to "sound proof" her home by putting metal sheets up over her windows. According to some of the others who commented on the original Facebook link those sheets are there to this day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "How attractive that must look, and functional too!"

Yes, if you are also a homeowner who is off his or her medication you understand the need to find ways to beautify your home and keep the grays, the government, the Illuminati, and the antichrist out at the same time. Well, you've come to the right place. Here are five cheap and simple things you can do to improve both your fung shui and your kung fu. Using these suggestions you will be able to beautify your home to the point where your neighbors will move away. Because they'll be so jealous. Of you.

1. Metal Sheets

As we've already gone over, this time-tested method is a good way to ward off both nauseators and heffalumps. It's also subtle, because there are literally thousands of reasons to cover your windows in metal besides being a nutjob. For instance, you might, um...well, in upstate New York it's traditional to cover a broken window with pressboard and trash bags, but you could claim that metal has better insulative properties. Or you could tell them it's actually one-way glass because you want your house to be like a really cool car.

Ok, both of those ideas are lame and require you to actually tell passersby what's up. You may have to put a sign in your front yard with your alternate window explanation. It won't look trashy. In fact, it'll complement the plastic flamingos and your old refrigerator.

2. Grounded Foil Blankets

Nailing scrap metal over your windows may be enough to keep your local police chief from making you vomit, unless you go to a bachelorette party and discover that he has an unexpected side job. But you might need something more high-tech to stop the mind control microwave beams of mind control that the government uses to control people (the truth is that the government can't actually control your mind; they just want you to think they can). You might need something more powerful. You might need to hit up the hardware store. You might need to connect a bunch of foil sheets with wires and plug them into an outlet.

Really. That's what this site recommends you do. To be fair, you're supposed to plug your mind shields into the ground hole, but given the judgment levels of conspiracy theorists...let's have a moment of silence for the people who followed this guide and hit the wrong hole.

Ok, that moment felt more awkward than respectful. Maybe because the last thing I said before it was "hit the wrong hole."

Moving on, this guide recommends that you cover not only the window but an entire interior wall with mylar foil blankets. Then you're supposed to stare at an RF signal detector for several hours until you swear you see something that indicates that the evil mind beams are coming from a different direction, and then you're supposed to cover another wall, and so on. The end result is sure to be a conversation piece. If your dog has fillings this is guaranteed to keep him from chewing up the drywall. If your dog does not have fillings you can always try intentionally plugging the blankets into the wrong hole for a week or two. He'll learn.

3. A Giant Faraday Cage

If you live in constant fear of a nuclear assault (and who doesn't?) you no doubt have some concerns and you're tired of having them unaddressed by our so-called no-account government. No doubt your misgivings can be worded thusly: "I realize that in the event of a nuclear attack I will most likely but reduced to a silhouette against a nearby wall...but what about my stuff?"

This is certainly at the forefront of the minds of unhinged survivalists across the country. Because you see, in addition to killing you, nuclear weapons give off a powerful electromagnetic pulse, or EMF. As we know from watching The Matrix, exposure to an EMF is very, very bad for electronics, and repeated exposure makes for terrible sequels. It's unbelievable! Ohhh!

Fortunately there's a solution: the Faraday cage. What's it all about, you ask? Well, listen to my replies.

The Faraday cage is of course named after Michael Cage, a former NBA player who retired with the New Jersey Nets. It is a metal enclosure, either solid or mesh, that blocks out electromagnetic radiation. That is why, according to the "End Times Report" website (motto: "It's not worth saying if it doesn't belong in, at minimum, an <h2> tag"), it is highly recommended that you create a home Faraday cage to store all your delicate electronics in. Of course you won't be able to use them, partly because they will be shielded from the signals they require for their basic function and partly because they're locked in a friggin' box. And unless you can be sure that you'll have a decent heads up before the bombs fall, the only way to guarantee the safety of your crap is to keep it locked up at all times. But that is the price you pay for the security of knowing that if a nuke goes off above your house your cell phone will survive you.

Of course, a metal box is hardly home improvement. This is where your creativity comes into play. The End Times Report website only goes so far as to ground a metal shed, but your if you want ultimate protection you'll want to your entire house into a Faraday cage. This work is theoretical for the time being, but a guy who admits he doesn't know what he's talking about provides some innovative ideas for creating a continuous metal mesh to surround your entire home. Some spit, polish, and copper wiring and your home may look like a prison but it will actually be a fortress, guaranteed to deter not only nineties British bands but also lightning, friends, Sith lords, and Marvel villains.

4. Orgone Blasters

So far we've heard three different methods of protecting yourself from mind beams and radiation with metal, and some of you might be okay with that. You might be content to be a traditional, garden-variety conspiracy theorist, blaming your placebo headaches on cell phone towers and putting your iPad in the shed. But some of you will not have all your doubts allayed. What about the chemtrails? What about the aliens? What about Lady Gaga? You don't need some namby-pamby metal. You need answers. You need weapons. You need...a lump of brown stuff. With metal in it.

Enter the orgone blaster, handed down to us from the most high Yah! He dropped the "weh" from His name to get out of a bum recording contract.

According to the research I've done, orgone is kind of like the Force, except the Force wasn't derived from Sigmund Freud's concept of libido. Its original theorist, Wilhelm Reich, claimed to have invented an orgone accumulator that could make it rain, and he proved it by one time turning his device on and then, like, bam, it rained. QED.

Almost 60 years later we have Sherry Shriner, Yah-inspired ranting raving person of extreme sanity and modern proponent of the Orgone Blaster™ (the ™ is her addition, not mine). She has perfected orgone technology to the point where changing the weather is something you might do if, yeah, you got tired of doing all the other awesome stuff these brown lumps can do. They can shoot down UFOs, neutralize chemtrails (chemtrails, incidentally, are mind controlling chemicals airplanes drop to make people think that mind controlling beams are coming from cell phone towers), stop mind beams, cure cancer, and make women lust for you when you subtly insult them. They're your one-stop shop for all your paranoid needs.

So what is an orgone blaster? It is a most holy combination of metal shavings, copper wire, quartz crystals, and fiberglass resin, which has been recognized for its healing powers for centuries. They can be built in buckets with big copper pipes sticking out of them, or you can put a few brown lumps in your pool to let it saturate the water with orgone (does a pretty good job of keeping the neighbor kids out too). Shriner even recommends creating orgone Super-Soakers, which are guaranteed to kill aliens. As far as I know this claim is completely accurate. I have never heard a reliable report of an orgone water gun failing to kill an alien.

Just imagine how attractive your home will look with random brown lumps lying around and buckets with copper pipes sticking up all over your lawn. But maybe you're still not content. Maybe you want to take it to the extreme. Like, so extreme that the paparazzi will report on how extreme your conspiracy theory dedication is. In that case you might want to splurge for:

5. An Anti-Xenu Bunker

This is an ambitious project. It's definitely not for those with a limited budget, but then again, neither is the Church of Scientology itself.

Apparently this was an actual home improvement project that was at the very least seriously planned by, who else?, Tom Cruise back in 2007. If you're familiar with Scientology's teachings I feel bad for you. But if you're not then you should understand that Scientology teaches that the universe is being constantly menaced by the evil alien lord Xenu. Millions of years ago Xenu came to Earth and used a crapload of anachronistic yet unimpressively twentieth-century technology to wreak havoc on our collective psyches. He arrived in a DC-8 jet plane, blew a bunch of dudes up with atomic bombs, sat their dead souls down in a cinema, and indoctrinated them with the concept that digital watches are a pretty neat idea (note that except for the digital watch bit all of these are actual tenets of Scientology doctrine). Those dead souls supposedly cling to us and are responsible for all false, non-Scientology religions. It is also said that the evil Xenu will one day return. It'll be even worse this time around, because he'll arrive in a Boeing 787 Dreamliner, kill us with a massive fleet of Carnival cruise ships, and make our souls watch Netflix.

So Mr. Cruise planned to build a $10 million bunker under his house. Rumor has it that he recently finished it, but alas, I can not find a credible source to confirm it. Still, this is no reason for you to sit there twiddling your thumbs, falsely secure with your electrified foil and magical orgone turds. That enormous price tag might be a deal breaker, but that's what shovels are for. You're not some no-account top 1% movie star who's paying people to do the work for you. What's the title say? Do It Yourself. It also says "Easy," but that's a relative term when you're fighting the twisted creation of a science fiction author. Now put your back into it! You've got an evil alien overlord to outsmart!

And there you have it. You can be prepared. Your local police, the federal government, the aliens, and Satan (or God, if your particular conspiracy theory blames mainstream religion for the world's problems) are all employing unspeakable high-tech devices, deadly chemicals, and harmful electromagnetic radiation to squelch your freedom and free will by...giving you a headache, apparently. But with a couple of freely available online guides and some (typically) cheap materials that you can buy at any hardware store in the nation you can fortify your home and foil (literally!) all the billions and billions of dollars they spend on their evil schemes. Take that, New World Order!

Ironic, isn't it? It almost sounds too good to be true! But true it is. And think of what all your augmentations will do to the resale value of your home! Did you know that a $10 million bunker can add as much as $15 million to your appraisal? So go forth! Defend your home! Be creative! Maybe your home will one day be featured on a new HGTV reality show called Homes the Government Doesn't Want You To Know About.

As for me, I'm going to pick up a cop catalog and order some nauseators. Those things sound pretty cool.