How to Argue on the Internet
By Eric Newland
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A couple thousand years ago the Romans built a bunch of roads, thus creating the first "world wide web" (Source: Disney World). As soon as they had finished, a man named N00bius walked from Thesalonica to Ephesus, becoming the first known "web user." It was a long and difficult journey; his browser didn't even have tabs, and his antivirus offered little protection against Trojans. But after months of travel he reached his destination, whereupon he accosted a stranger, called him a derogatory term for a homosexual, and made the long journey back home. There the Romans, whose rulers tended not to discriminate among their sexual partners by species and living status much less gender, immediately crucified him, which as we know from the Bible was a slow, torturous method of execution and the earliest known example of "buffering."
But the tradition of calling strangers childish names at the slightest provocation continues to this day, and you need to get in on the action! Why? Well, let's talk about
Five Key Benefits of Internet Arguing
You could say these are arguments in favor of internet arguing, but don't.
1. Everyone loves it!
If you don't believe me, just check the forums on this very website. The handy "Latest Activity in All Forums" tab is populated at all times by at least 50% "Religion and Philosophy" and "Politics and Social Issues" threads, and at least 25% of the other threads will be political or religious threads that have leaked out of their designated forums, and most of them aren't about agreeing to disagree if you know what I mean. And this is a fairly well-moderated website populated by aspiring writers, so it's one of the less embarrassing examples you will find. If you want to see something worse you can visit, well, pretty much any other forum or the comments section of any blog site that hasn't actually banned discussion of controversial topics. Arguing is all the rage (get it?)! The internet is all arguing all the time! And you know the old adage that "practice makes perfect?" Totally not true!
2. You can remain more or less anonymous!
This will help you overcome any compunctions you might have against tearing someone a new one. It's like a high-tech version of road rage, where it's much easier to see other people's cars than their faces, so deliberately swerving close to them in a two-ton death machine suddenly seems like a good idea to an ordinarily reasonable person. The main difference between road rage and internet flame wars is that internet flame wars rarely cause death except when someone calls a Myspace user a fatty.
3. It will earn you the respect of your peers!
By "peers" I mean a bunch of other people who love pointless internet arguments and share your opinion. And also they're usually in junior high. This may not sound so great if you're a grown adult, but look at it this way: you all love to argue on the internet, so you're basically all at the same maturity level!
But more importantly, as soon as you start an internet fight they'll crawl out of the woodwork to support you by being your own personal band of yes-men (yes-children? yes-adolescents?). They'll be quick to give you a pat on the back* when you get in a good dig, and they'll be quick to jump to your defense if, God forbid, your opponent hits you with a particularly scathing or (gasp!) logical retort. You wonder why they don't lower the voting age.
*Or something like that. Think of something else that's in some ways like a pat on the back except it's something a guy would brag to his friends about if he received one and you've got a more appropriate metaphor.
4. It's impossible to win!
Nothing ruins a good argument like having your opponent concede to your point. Fortunately on the internet you never have to worry about this. In fact, in the internet's two thousand-and-some-odd-year history no one as ever convinced anyone of anything they didn't believe already!
This is because people don't enter the fray of an online argument with any delusions that their mind might be changed, or even that they might learn to better understand an opposing viewpoint. No, people join online arguments with exactly two goals in mind:
- Belittling those who disagree with you.
- Getting "patted on the back" by people who agree with you.
That's it! That's why people argue on the internet! There is no deeper purpose! Open minds are for brain surgery! And since you and your opponent have the same goals, and since you will always be wittier than them (in your own mind, at least), you can post and riposte to your hearts' content and always feel like you're ahead! As long as you never let them have the last word, which brings me to my next point:
5. It's impossible to stop!
You can't back out of an argument for some petty reason like you're becoming dehydrated or your wife is threatening to move out if you don't get off the damned computer. No sir! If you do you run the very real risk that your opponent will think they've won or even (gasp!) that they're right! Granted, they thought that before the fight started and your life wasn't impoverished because of it, but that's not the point!
You must continue to argue, even if the arguments become objectively stupid on both sides or even if the thread derails so you're arguing about a completely different topic on which you had formerly not formed a strong opinion! Because, you see, in most internet situations all you can do is post text. You can say you're backing out of an argument because you think it's pointless, but you can't make them believe it by means of, say, a haughty toss of the head, an undefeated march away from the field of battle, and the dismissive slam of a door. No, the only thing you can do is...not post. A regular white flag.
Besides, people never actually leave anyway, or haven't you been paying attention? You may say you're done with the argument, but as soon as you "leave" you'll start beating your F5 key like you're trying to transmit War and Peace via telegraph. You will do this in the vain hope that your opponent will be humbled or even chagrined at your departure, that by leaving you will have proven once and for all that you are the bigger person.
Of course this never happens. Even incredibly stupid and gullible people won't be fooled by the idea that you've suddenly lost interest in the knock-down drag-out fight you were having just minutes ago. So your opponent and their friends will either keep jabbing at you in "absentia" or they'll start "patting" each other's "backs" until you can't stand it anymore and start railing on them again, and the eternal battle continues. It's never-ending fun!
Are you convinced yet of the awesomeness that is internet arguing? You're allowed to be convinced, you know. You're allowed to be swayed by my words in this situation because this isn't an argument. It's a highly questionable internet article, but as you may have noticed, highly questionable internet articles are where most internet arguers get their facts! It's where they form the strong opinions that they try desperately to defend! So now that you've formed a strong opinion on internet arguing (that it's good) and gathered some highly questionable facts (there may or may not have ever been a man named "N00bius"), it's time you schooled yourself on
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Five Keys to Proper Internet Arguing Technique
Many of these tips and examples are centered around the two "hot topics" of internet arguing and arguing in general: politics and religion. But with a little work you an argue about any topic as if it were just as important as the fate of our nation or your soul after death, if not more so. Music, cars, sports, eighties cartoon shows, you name it. No argument is so petty that you can't be a jerk about it.
1. Straw men are your friends.
The first thing you have to do if you want to start an argument is to draw your opponents like flies, and the best way to do that is to show your basic inability to even comprehend their opinion, much less respect it, from the get-go. Straw men: use them early, use them often. Use them in your thread title if you get the chance. Consider the following:
Incorrect: "Why is homosexuality considered a sin?"
Correct: "Why do Christians believe in shooting gays for sport?"Incorrect: "Why should a mother's rights override those of her unborn child?"
Correct: "Why do liberals eat babies?"
See? Which thread titles do you think will attract more replies? For that matter, which thread titles will cause your opponents to lose their cool more quickly so you can start slathering on the condescending remarks? Don't let a little misguided respect for others cloud your ultimate goal (whatever that is).
2. There is no such thing as an opinion.
There are only facts (i.e. everything you say) and being wrong (everything your opponent says). To that end you should always voice controversial beliefs, unprovable facts, preferences, and other subjective material as if they were a given, that any sane person knows them, that there is no need to debate it at all.
Incorrect: I believe that there is no God.
Correct: There is no God, and anyone who says otherwise is an ignorant neanderthal.
In fact, it's best if you're even flippant about it. Turn your opinion into a subordinate clause to indicate that it's such a foregone conclusion it doesn't even deserve to be the main point of a sentence.
Even Better: Because there is no God, I don't see why burning down a church is even considered a crime.
3. All analogies are valid.
A good way to illustrate fallacies in a belief is to draw a good analogy that makes its shortfalls more apparent. A good way to create entirely new fallacies is to draw an off-the-wall analogy that has no real relevance whatsoever but sounds good. Here are some examples (feel free to use them):
"You can't see God, and you can't see no-see-ums. But you know no-see-ums exist because their bites itch. But God's bites don't itch, so how do you know God exists?"
"You know who else wanted to increase taxes? Prince John from Robin Hood. Liberals are no different from despotic medieval rulers."
"Zeus was the god of thunder and the highest ranking deity of the Greek pantheon while Athena, goddess of the ocean, was his daughter. Therefore, Pikachu is clearly superior to Squirtle."
It doesn't matter how dumb it is. An analogy is ironclad. Your opponent may not continue on to another point unless he dismantles your analogy. This requires an argument, and as we've already established it's impossible to win an internet argument, so you've layered an unwinnable argument on top of the original argument that your opponent has to win before they can even get back to the original argument which they couldn't win anyway! Simple, right?
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4. Biased sources are the bi-est sources.
Your time is valuable. You don't have time to hunt all over the danged internet trying to find an objective take on a subject; you need to find editorials written by people who agree with you so you can get back to bickerin'. Don't limit yourself to the mainstream biased sources (FOX News for conservatives, any other major news network for liberals), as they've been known to occasionally let a fact or two get mixed up in the spittle, which could potentially dilute your cause. You want to go to the lunatic fringe of your viewpoint and find a hard-hitting article or blog that demands, at minimum, the execution of everyone who disagrees with you. A longer version of one of your typical argument rebuttals, in other words. A "highly questionable article," if you will.
You need to be careful, though. It shouldn't be obvious that your source is biased at first glance; it should take two glances at least to figure out that you're getting your information from a back-patting back-patter. I'm talking about the domain name of the website. Don't quote from a site with a name like ronpaul24-7.com, thefifthgospel.com, or bush-sucked-so-liberals-are-always-right.com. It should have an ambiguous but confidence-building name, like truthnews.com, credibletruth.com, truthisintheurl.com, or truthtruthtruth.com. That way your opponent will have to actually click on your link and maybe navigate to the index page before they realize you're quoting a bunch of skewed tripe, and this will waste valuable time they could have been using to search for skewed tripe of their own.
5. Above all: Be a jerk.
Remember: your opinion is right. It's so right that you don't need to put any effort into presenting it in a positive light. So feel absolutely free to not only be mean and condescending, but to reinforce all the negative stereotypes about your position. If you're not sure what those are, just find your approximate worldview on the following chart:
Conservative
| Moderate
| Liberal
| |
|---|---|---|---|
Religious
| Bigoted
| Self-righteous
| Baked
|
Agnostic
| Stodgy
| Apathetic
| Smug
|
Athiest
| Callous
| Superior
| Smug and superior
|
You are by no means limited to one specific stereotype; these are just starting points and fallbacks for whenever you're not sure exactly what kind of jerk you should be. But you're free to mix and match any combination of these jerk types, or even to be all of them at once! That gives you, by my estimate, 623,529 ways to be a jerk, assuming that you think it's possible to be smug, superior, and smug and superior all at the same time. Having been on the internet for over fifteen years, let me assure you: it's possible.
Of course, this spectrum is less useful if you're not arguing politics and religion, so let me touch on the varieties of jerkishness that present themselves in other topics.
Arts and Entertainment
Mainstream
| Old-school/Retro
| Indie/Foreign
|
|---|---|---|
Pretentious
| Very Pretentious
| Nauseatingly Pretentious
|
Sports
Professional
| College
| Foreign
| Wrestling/UFC
|
|---|---|---|---|
Rabid
| Homicidal
| Serial Killer
| Total D-bag
|
Operating Systems
Man, you think arguments about God get heated? Seriously, don't do this to yourself.
So there you have it. You now know have all the tools you need to turn virtually any online debate into an angry, unwinnable mess, and start reaping all of the benefits of internet arguing. Are you ready? Ready to go out into the world, by which I mean sit in front of your computer, and make me proud? Have you internalized all of my important lessons, and are you ready to drop strawnalogies at the drop of a hat? Good! Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back!
Just, you know, make sure you have some privacy first.
I added a poll so people will have something to argue about!
How do you feel about internet arguing?
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Comments
Even the disabled need to train.
This was great!
Thanks. I wish I spoke from a little less experience. :P
I find myself in the mist of the mindless babble almost daily. It's like a drug that I can't get away from. lol
It's mental internet junk food.
Aye tis, tis
Such a persuasive topic explained so clearly. Thanks for the advice.
Glad I could help.
I added a poll. Make sure you let me know your opinion so I'll know how you prefer to let people know your opinion!
Nicely worked, funny, witty, article about the important subject of internet arguments. I find I get more done if I never go into forums, not even for a peek.
Mark is smart.
Thank you. That's what I'm finding too about the forums. 80% arguments, 15% "how do i made hub," 4% endless game threads, and 1% (liberal estimate) threads that actually contain interesting discussions or useful information.
I really enjoyed your hub. When I argue I like to make up statistics. One of my dads favorite saying is 64% are made up... or was it 24%? =)
voted up and funny
Thank you, and thanks for the follow!
This may be the most awesome Hub I have read in months. I've got such a HUGE smile on my face right now. Ooooooh man. Your examples, and better examples, the poll, your arguments... hahaa, I don't usually laugh out loud (literally) when reading articles, but I definitely laughed reading this. Thank you, Eric Newland. You. Rock.
Thank you so much!
This is really nice hub. thanks for sharing this @@@@
vote up and follow
Funny satire. I hope nobody takes this hub seriously (though some gullible people are known to)
BRILLIANT Hub !
Highly Amusing...because technically it is true...
Why do people always have the need to undermine everything that takes place on the internet? It's just another way to exchange information.
My goodness, man! Now I feel that I am truly prepared for my next virtual w?gan! Good show.
Smart writing! Voted up!
Internet argument is something different then the real life argument and have different consideration points. Thanks for explaining this in such interactive way.
Very funny--well-deserved HOTD! I'm still laughing.
Nice hub Eric! Definitely voted up, interesting and funny. Can I ask what inspired it?
Not often I find a hub that actually makes me laugh out loud. I banned myself from the forums some time ago lol
Voted up.
This is the best hub I have read so far - even though I've only been on hubpages for 2 weeks. (that is still a compliment) Voted up - very witty and quite hilarious.
Great stuff Eric, really funny. Is there really a book called "Advanced Flames and Trolling"? I do find forum rows addictive to read, and get much more done when I stay off the forums!
LOL! You Got Trolled in Facebook is now becoming a byword. Never mind those who bully you in an argument. Ignore them. Trolling is now the name of the game.
I've been bullied before. I blocked the users, that's the only way you can evade them.
I also posted at the Forums of HubPages, especially in Religion and Philosophy. Some would link you to their blog regarding the subject and most will insinuate that they have the best arguments.
Anyways, thanks for the tips. I imagined myself walking on the first WWW of the Roman empire. :D
One of the best articles I've read on HP for ages. Very witty. I was in a forum the other day and it was so entertaining. It started off quite civilized, I skipped down to the last few comments and it was hilarious as they had become so personal. I just about managed to refrain from adding an insult of my own! Very entertaining hub. Voted up and funny.
Hehe. I'm one of those cardinal sinners. I HATE arguing - online or off. I'll just hop to my version of the world wide web and spin some silk. ;)
I'll know my life has been worth it when legions of fake Wesman Todd Shaw's call people "EFFING MORONS" in my honour on the web.
Great job with this. A well-deserved Hub of the Day. Congratulations.
Trolls are 'hateful, aggressive creatures". Oh wait, you were talking about internet trolls. My mistake.
Beautifully written piece. Congratulations, nub.
So funny. Reminds me of something going on in one of my religious hubs as we speak. I'm going back and forth with a guy, and each of our replies are practically longer than my hub!
good one...and congrats for the hub of the day...thank you for the chuckle this a.m.!
This hub has definitely made my day quite a lot brighter!
Absolutely hilarious! Voted up and funny. Thanks for this brilliant satire--er, it WAS a satire, right? ;-) Fantastic laugh this morning. Thanks for sharing!
Brilliant and hilarious. Voting 'up' and congrats on the Hub of the Day!
I'm still laughing! If only so much of it weren't so true! Love your writing and I loved the pictures and captions you used. This was a great fun read to start my day.
Voted up and tweeted this well-deserved Hub of the Day!
i luv the photo too!...it's great!...made me smile....
Brilliant!
Thanks, I needed this after some of the "discussions" I had on other forums (not this site). It is all so clear to me how to respond now. :) Well done, sir.. well done!
Your Hub should be taken down, what is the difference between calling someone a Jerk, an Idiot, or Stupid? There is no difference. You are pointing fingers and personally insulting all the people involved! So who really is the Jerk here?
Compulsive reading, great laugh, now it should be added to the learning centre! Voted up.
Nice article.... Love it......
Congratulations on your HUB OF DAY award! The people who relate to your insights love to argue and have confrontations. You have given fodder to fuel their temperament. Blessings, Debby
This hub is absolutely priceless - it should be a disclaimer on the forum! I look forward to reading more of your witty and clever musings.
Priceless! LOL!
If I haven't read your hub, I wouldn't understand why some people just can't give up defending their point even if they seem to have lost all logic. Indeed, those who argue did not join the forum to be persuaded, they just want a tap on the back. This is a great hub. Voted up!
This was lots of fun to read :)
People get so angry over the smallest things online...totally undermining any argument they might have.
I hope that was said in jest MP50... this is satire...
If you aren't careful, you could earn the title "Master of Satire" on HP! Incredible hub--terrific writing!
Congratulations on Hub of the Day, and thank you for these useful tips. I feel like I am armed and ready for the forums. Love this quote: "Open minds are for brain surgery!"
There's a certain someone who writes for hub pages that I pop in on every now and then just so that I can engage in a bit of warfare and get my jollies. I plan to use a poor analogy, biased source, and out-of-context quote the next time I do. Thanks for your help.
Some will probably beg to differ with me, but this is by far the funniest thing I've read all day! Great piece and I plan on implementing many of the tips you listed to get my own opinions, er facts, out there in the forums. Excellent hub!
You have to believe he will wipe the tables with my entrails...he has a monocle. It's impossible to not look serious with a monocle.
The Internet is an opportunity to expose the cretins of the world to one's amazing wisdom and unerring opinions.
That monocle is sweet.
J Burgraff....You're naughty, but I'm envious. Wish I could do that too (I can think of more than one person who, in my opinion, deserves it), but my blood pressure reading would go too high!
Jaye
Awesome read. Fluently funny! I rarely venture into the forums because of the pointless arguing but your article I found hugely entertaining. Bravo!
That was hilarious! At least the internet is a better outlet for road rage than the actual road!
Excellent hub! Best I've come across in a long time too! Many congratulations on your Hub of the Day award - a well-deserved win!
#5 gets me all the time, even when I say I am not going back. Must be the Aries in me! I confess every now and again I like to stir the pot to get people thinking----Oh how they hate to think!! Great article. I will go back and rate it up and some other selections.
really nice hub & I really enjoyed your hub
O boy how I enjoyed this. I thought I was just trying to be different all the time! But the smell of your own anger is intoxicating! but now I have peace in the knowledge that the aim is not to be right!
What aggravates people more than anything is when you state your case and leave. They have no one to argue with and it irritates them to no end.
I think they should all get offline and go to law school, then they can debate the rest of their lives and actually make money while doing it.
I laughed all the way through this. I saw myself in this and also my opponent. It was funny, but true. A great observation. Obviously, you have been there.
Thansk for SHARING
As one of the "Smug and superior" liberal atheist folks, I disagree with EVERYTHING you said just on principle. Moreover, my smugness is infinitely superior to yours. As to my superiority, that would be obvious were you not so smug. In short, the whole thing is just enraging me and now my screen is all covered with spittle.
Or did that get there while I was laughing? Maybe.
I like the quote ("If you catch my drift"), but I`m afraid you spelled noob wrong (Do you happen to be a NOOB at spelling?).
Interesting and timely article. looking forward to a more posts like this! well done!
I love this article! Voted up and shared!
Brilliant article- voted up!
It's very rare that I read a hub that actually has me crying real proper actual tears of laughter. Just sayin'. That's nothing to do with your hub, I just thought I'd share that little bit of information with you (*sniff, choke, guffaw, ahem, cough, cough*).
Congratulations on the extra little trophy you got there; nice little accolade. Wouldn't mind one of those myself. How does one go about getting one? Oh, right! One writes a hub of GENIUS!
Excellent hub - glad that I happened to actually log onto HubPages today, else I wouldn't have seen it. Do you have more genius ramblings? I'll go and have a look.
Linda.
All I can say is "unique..."
Congrats and voted up (not like you need the vote...LOL)
Take care
John
Very funny! Sometimes I can't believe these long threads, they change topics so many times!
Perfect! Thanks for writing. Made my day!
cheers
BizGenGirl: It's hard to nail it down to one single thread. :P
ElizaDoole: Not yet. I just happened to realize I had created a chart that looked almost exactly like the D&D alignment chart.
JayeWisdom: Now THAT would be a cool accolade. A silhouette of a donkey wearing a graduation cap, perhaps?
Pcunix: I bow to your smugperiority.
And thanks to everyone else for the comments and (wow) the follows, and to the HP staff for the amazing HotD honor! I will definitely write a follow-up to this hub!
Nicely done!
I laughed so hard, I almost webbed my pants.
HA!! love the hub, darlin, keep it up! funny stuff!!
Maybe you could try a spoof on recipe hubs. I know for sure the administration said they were an oversaturated topic after the PANDA slap, but when I brought up how mindless it was to post a recipe, got a nasty note with blue background--oooh, scary-- from one of the bigwigs who writes boring crap like that and always has a perfect 100 score.
Superb stuff and a wide grin from the word Go. Thanks.
Nice! Way to fight the good fight.
Fantastic hub! Really Funny! Congratulations on getting troll of the day. I mean Hub of the day. :)
Dammit. I had something really funny to say but I've forgotten it. Dammit. Anyway, about your article: it was mean and funny and provocative. All good.
haha great!! :D
This was an absolute hoot.
This is one of the many reasons I participate in this site. Excellent style and display of brain activity. Keep it up. Thanks much.
my gosh you are soooo funny. I love this... such great sense of humor.... you must be very intelligent.
Interesting and funny. I think Rush takes this sort of thing seriously, and of course why wouldn't he making by Net estimates somewhere between 40 and 400 million a year using these very ploys that you describe?
I'm glad everyone thinks I'm smart. I'll have to show these comments to my wife. "See? Toldja!"
People are actually dumber for having read this.
Awww...Cory, now don't be that way. It's a great satirical piece and calls attention to larger issues such as conduct and internet discussions/relationships. :)
Ah, thank you, Cory. You have reminded me of another good internet arguing tactic: presenting personal or anecdotal evidence as fact.
Thank you! That was delightful.
I have just found one of my favorite hubs. That was enthralling, entertaining, interesting, it had everything! Good job :)
Love this hub! Very amusing. I don't think it's easy to write amusing articles that appeal to a lot of people but obviously you just did!
Gemini Fox: Thanks. Some things are universal, I guess.
The welcoming picture already gave me an impression what to expect in this hub. I was right. It was hilarious. I chuckled all my way through it.
And the poll, the tables? They're so funny! LoL!
rLcasaLme: Thank you!
So you're acting like 'all people who get involved with internet arguments are idiots who like to use strawmen and stir meaningless drama'.
Ever think that someone coming across strongly on the Internet.... ISN'T doing it for any of these reasons, but because they're actually INFORMED about what they're saying?
Companioncube: I'm more saying that the latter is the exception to the rule, and anything useful that they have to say is likely to fall on the deaf ears of the former.
In other words, even if you argue intelligently, you're dumb for trying.
I agree, lol. Great hub.
Have a great day my friend.
carbon12: Thank you!
Oh, this is just too damn funny! The hard part about reading this is that it is all true. I have to eat my Wheaties before I even consider getting on a forum and doing battle. It is great fun but I'm exhausted when I finish. Thumbs up and great job!
billybuc: Thank you! I try to curb my forum fighting urges, but sometimes I give in, especially when I'm stressed out. Which is funny, because it's not exactly the best activity if you're trying to relax.
Eric,
So...I would say that you had my immediate and undivided attention by the end of the first paragraph, however, that would be untrue. You had me with that caption in the first picture...before the first paragraph...
Now...I have to go back up (scale my way through the mountain of comments) and continue reading...I've actually only read the first paragraph...
OK...That was great! As a moderate liberal...I like to call my opponents Nazis. Yeeeah...dems just jokes...
I can see why this was voted hub of the day! I will be voting it up my own-self today, as well as, sharing it and all that stuff.
Oh...the image of the Roman guy walking 1,000 miles just to call another guy a F**...and then walks all the way back home...F'n priceless, good sir!
Thomas
ThoughtSandwiches: Glad you liked it!
I'm actually working on a sequel hub right now, so watch out for it!
Brilliant! You're a genius!
Klara: Thank you!
Garrett Mickley 4 months ago
Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still intellectually disabled.