A Beginner's Guide to Buzkashi: The Second Most Fun You Can Have With a Dead Goat

You breathe in dust and the scent of adrenaline, and the thundering of hooves roars in your ears. You adjust your turban and spur your horse onward, intent on your goal. Suddenly you see it: an opening! You charge in toward your target, grab a handful of wet fur, and hoist the smelly carcass up into the air.

Suddenly ten people are whipping you, and a horse bites you. You are knocked from your mount, cracking a rib and breaking your nose, and one of your opponents wrests the carcass from your hands. You lie there, your nose bleeding. Your teammates curse you and ride off into the distance.

Sound like fun? You've just been playing Buzkashi! Oh, and by the way, you shamed your name and embarrassed your sponsor with that bail. The locker room's going to be awkward after the game.

There are manly sports, and then there are sports involving dead animals.This sport is both. This...is Buzkashi.

Buzkashi is a Persian word that roughly translates to "goat grabbing," which is, coincidentally, the object of the game. It's a game of central Asian origin and the national sport of Afghanistan. It is believed to have originated with Middle Eastern warlords who could sweep up livestock and women at a full gallop (thank goodness the modern version focuses on the livestock). It was banned during the Taliban regime but is now being played again by many happy Afghans, so don't say we didn't do any good over there.

Basically how it works is there's this goat, see? Except it's dead, and its head has been removed. Right away you can see the superiority to our pansy-ass American "ball" sports. Why toss around a pigskin when you can toss around the entire pig? In professional games a calf carcass is the favored game object because—this is directly from Wikipedia—it is "less likely to disintegrate during the game" than a goat carcass. Yes, that's right:

-->GOAT DISINTEGRATION.<--

How awesome is that? If you're an animal rights activist and you're actually horrified by the idea, take solace from the fact that in all of its long history Buzkashi has never experienced an on-camera nip slip.

Anyway, two teams of players, or Chapandez, ride in on horseback and beat the crap out of each other trying to get at the goat carcass. The objective is to (A) grab the goat and (B) score with it. Heh heh. What you do with it then depends on the type of Buzkashi you're playing. In Tudabarai you run like hell; if you can get clear of the opposing team's players you're golden. In Qarajai you have to get the hell out, run your horse around a flag, and try to toss your goat carcass into a scoring circle or bin.

And then, hopefully, you wash your hands.

Playing Buzkashi

Want to get together your own game of Buzkashi? Sure, who wouldn't? It's fun, it's competitive, and it'll keep you fit, bruises and broken bones notwithstanding! There's some stuff you'll need if you want a rousin' game of goat grabbin'. Let's go over all of the game elements, living, non-living, and recently living.

1. A Dead Animal

Again, calves are preferable, but goats will do in a pinch (uh...I refuse to dissect that last phrase). The game carcass is usually soaked in water for twenty-four hours to toughen it, and sometimes filled with sand to weigh it down. And just like in any major sport, it's important to have plenty of spares, especially with the ever present risk of

-->GOAT DISINTEGRATION.<--

After the game the animal is traditionally eaten by the players and/or the spectators, making Buzkashi ideal for your next barbecue.

2. Some Horses

Buzkashi horses are always male studs, because even the horses need to be manly in a game that involves full contact animal carcass handling. They are also trained rigorously for five years before they're allowed to set foot (sorry, hoof) on a buzkashi field. That's right; buzkashi horses practice chasing after dead goats for more than a year longer than United States presidents spend in Washington before getting elected.

The training pays off. Buzkashi horses will stop when their rider falls and take off at top speed if their rider grabs the goat. They will bite rival riders and it is said that they even get into the competition, forming bitter grudges against other horses and angrily posting on internet forums about why their views are wrong.

3. Some Riders

It is said that an ideal Chapandez is in his forties. Isn't that heartening, those of you who are approaching middle age? You haven't peaked yet! You can still be a Buzkashi champ!

However, in the grand scheme of things the Chapandez is somewhat more expendable than the horse, since the horse is usually a rental. Wealthy landowners typically own and train the horses. Still, horses typically can't pick up dead goats (unless they get them really drunk first, ba-dum ching), so your role as goat grabber is not to be overlooked.

Also, perhaps unsurprisingly, most Chapandez are male. I guess this can only be expected of a sport played primarily in the Middle East, but something tells me that's not the only stopping factor. However, you might be surprised to learn that there is a female version of Buzkashi right here in America. My wife is watching it in the next room right now, in fact. It's called The Bachelor. Think about it: most of the guys on that show have the personality of a dead goat anyway. Is there really a difference?

4. A Whip

Chapandez ride with whips, which they hold clamped between their teeth, to "fend off" opposing horses and riders. Supposedly, according to traditional rules, you're not supposed to "intentionally" whip another player. This is why, if you listen closely to a buzkashi match, you will hear the players sarcastically yelling, "Oops!" a lot.

5. Heavy Clothes

To protect against all of those "accidental" whippings and horse bites. Also, to keep some of the ick off of you in the event of a catastrophic

-->GOAT DISINTEGRATION.<--

Goat To It!

So, in conclusion, Buzkashi is awesome. It's manly and horsely and involves

-->GOAT DISINTEGRATION<--

and it's officially my new favorite sport even though I've never played it and I've only seen like five minutes of actual game play on YouTube. I hope that you have enjoyed this insight into this intriguing game, and if you can get together a match of your own feel free to send me an invite and I'll be more than happy to spectate, but only if you can guarantee me at least one spectacular goat disintegration. I'll even bring the beer.

...Oh, and what's the first most fun you can have with a dead goat? I, um...I forgot.