Your Facebook Status Isn't Obnoxious Enough
By Eric Newland
There are some people who just don't know how to use Facebook, and it shows when you view their latest status update. They post boring, irrelevant things like "It's a girl!" or "Please pray for my sister, she is dying from a rare flesh-eating bacteria that she picked up while delivering food and AIDS drugs to young children in remote African villages." They're not "hip" to the kind of topics that engage the modern social networker. Are you one of them? Well, don't bother with a friend request because neither I nor anyone else wants to hear your drivel. They want to hear real news, and even if you're a veteran Facebooker you might benefit from a quick brush-up on your status updating skills. Here are five of the best types of posts you can use to keep your wall looking "fresh," "engaging," and "full of other positive adjectives in quotation marks." You'll "Like" them for sure!"
1. The Tooth-Brusher
A lot of people use both Facebook and Twitter, and it's perfectly acceptable to confuse the two! Nothing will titillate your FB friends like a play-by-play of your typical day...day after day! No detail is too minute. No event too hum-drum. Here are some good examples of the Tooth-Brusher in action:
Well, time for bed. Back to the ol' grind in the morning. Come back weekend!
*sigh* So much homework... :(
Red Robin tonight with Ritter's for dessert! Yum!
Goin' out with my BFF's to the mall! Girl's day, w00t!
Catch y'all later. This zit is ready to squeeze!
There's plenty more where that came from, but I don't want to overexcite you.
2. The Drama-Bomb
Nothing starts a good comment discussion like a Drama-Bomb. The way it works is you post an expression of extreme anger, frustration, or despair, but—this is extremely important—do not give any context. At all. This means the only way people can know what you're talking about is if they witnessed the event or you accidentally let them know via some low-tech, non-Facebook medium. Everyone else will have to ask you WTF in the comments and thus give you the attention you crave. Here are some sample Drama-Bombs. Light 'em up!
I am losing my mind.
Ugh, bad day. Don't ask.*
Ohh God, I think I'm gonna flip out!
What the hell is wrong with people?
I am seriously going to kill someone.
Parents just don't understand.
Teachers just don't understand.
Police officers just don't understand.
Uuuuuurrrrrrgh!!!!!!
*Ask.
A status like one of these is sure to earn you some token pity before people even know what your problem is. Which is good, because your problem is probably lame.
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3. The Copy-Paste
Nothing will establish you as a "wacky" "fun" "person" quite as quickly as transcribing your Laff-a-Day calender to your Facebook wall, one day at a time. Alternatively, you can pull a few zingers from your favorite internet chain e-mail or a cheap joke website with a blinding magenta background and hundreds of animated .gif ads. Any list of examples would seem strangely derivative, but here are some good joke categories that are bound to gets you lots of "lol" comments.
- Quotes about alcohol.
- Self-effacing humor about your age, weight, or work ethic.
- Quotes about junk food.
- Self-effacing humor about the relationship between you and your wife.
- Quotes about any number of vices. At your expense.
Feel free to combine multiple categories of rehashed humor to make some kind of omnihumorous super-joke, like, "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, my wife thinks I'm fat and boy is she right!" If your friends fail to "Like" that one you clearly need to start friending people with lower standards.
4. The Lyrics-Post
Technically a subcategory of the drama-bomb, in lyrics-posts you paste in a few lines from an emo song, because no one can express your angst and inner torment at the world in general better than somebody else. The lyrics-post has an advantage over the drama-bomb in that it leaves even more room for interpretation and speculation, so you're sure to be hottest item on your friends' walls.
For maximum dramatic effect make sure you've got some form of "die" or "death" in there; bonus points if it contains an ominous phrase like, "If I die tonight..." This will create a smidgen of doubt in even the most skeptical of readers. Are you being a whiny bitch like usual? Or is this one of those things they keep seeing on 20/20?
5. The Sports-Post
Facebook provides a venue for sports fans to share profound sports insights about their favorite sporting events. But you can not merely summarize an event after the fact. It is vitally important that you have your cell phone out at all times so you can post your reaction to every single play. If you miss even one cue your friends might doubt your dedication.
I am kidding, of course. Your friends will not be reading your posts because they will be too busy typing or swiping their own play-by-play. So the only people who will actually read your stuff will be people like me. People who, in other words, go to Superbowl parties primarily for the food and the commercials and can't be arsed to care about the winning or losing status of a given team outside the scope of a single game. They will log in to Facebook, thinking that surely today they will see something to justify the existence of social networking at large, and see a hundred posts like this:
Go [team name]!!!
Come on, [team name]! What were you thinking?
I hate [team name]. Just sayin'.
Yes! I'm gonna be doing [signature gesture of prominent player] tonight!
[Prominent player] can bite me. Just sayin'.
Damn it, [team name]! Watch the [ball or other score-critical game object]!
Oh yeah! [number] [sport-appropriate measure of success] [positive sports term]! Booyah!
All right, [prominent player]. What's the big deal letting [team name] get a [number] [sport-appropriate measure of success] [positive sports term]?
[stream of cussing] [team name] [stream of cussing]!!!!!!!!
Oh well, I guess [team name] will just have to kick [other team name]'s ass next week.
[stream of cussing]
After a particularly devastating loss it's not at all uncommon to see people switch to drama-bomb or lyrics-post mode.
There are many other ways to give your friends scintillating content, from lame game posts to all of those other lame automated things Facebook generates these days ("[name] tried to click on a link and accidentally clicked on the link to this article right next to it instead!"). But even in this high-tech age there's something to be said for a personal touch. So go forth. Compose your epic new Facebook status and give your friends what they deserve for being friends with you! I myself am about to make such a post. I haven't come up with a name for this type of status yet, but It'll go something like this:
Hey guys I just posted a new hub please come read it please please PLEASE.
Maybe I should start posting more tooth-brushers. At least those get a few "likes."
Which of these status thingies do you see the most on your feed?
See results without votingWhat kind of status update are you most guilty of?
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Comments
About all I do on Facebook is post links to my Hubs. I rarely make status updates. Mine probably says something like, "Going to the Lincoln-Douglas debate. Dougas is gonna cream Lincoln!"
Clever, witty, perfect Saturday reading. I'm going to further annoy people on Google Plus by sharing it. Fab hub.
Thanks everyone. Whew, off to bed. Got a big day tomorrow.
I added a poll, or two.
Funny. Funny. Funny. Shared.
This is great. Love the humor in it all.
Thanks again for reading, voting, sharing, etc. This is becoming my most successful hub to date.
LOL my husband's sentiments exactly - he is a voyeur through my facebook account - he says only occasionally, but from the amount that he talks about it, I know it's more! Great hub!
Entertaining! The toothbrushers are the friends I find most irritating!
I hate the drama-bomb because, even though I don't want to admit it, I really want to know more about what they are talking about!
voted up and funny
An absolutely entertaining hub, Eric! Oh, and I know what category my friends and family are in now!
So good and so true, well played.
Haha, awesome hub! I have to admit I've done this once or twice myself. I think it comes with the territory if you have a FB account. Just as long as it doesn't get out of hand. ;)
Dreamsinger: Clearly your husband needs his own account so he can be part of the problem!
jfrabe: Have you ever noticed they're obsessed with letting people know when they're going to bed? I could hardly have named it better!
JoshuaDR: I KNOW, RIGHT? Why, WHY is she losing her faith in humanity?!
Paul: Make sure you let them know. Maybe I can start a trend. :P
JoshuaThePost: All of my friends who contributed the most to inspiring this hub seem to like it the most.
Winterfate: All have sinned and fallen short of Facebook perfection. Whatever the hell that's supposed to be.
So true - but I find myself gravitating to the drama-queen updates because frankly they are more entertaining than most of the banal facebook posts (Why do I even have facebook???)
This is great. The drama bomb is the one that gets me wondering. I just have to know whats happened?
Some days the drama bombs take over my news feed to the point where I want to scream, "I don't CARE if you got a splinter!" Love the hub, funny and true.
O.k., I guilty of posting my hub links! Please don't unfriend me!
Funny, funny, funny! At the same time, there's a wealth of truth there, which is why Facebook (1) bored me silly, (2) irritated me boundlessly and (3) both of which are why I closed my FB account. FB is only good for marketing (FanPages) and inspiring satire.
Hilarious! Now back to the grind!
See, I know all of this to be true, what you've said here, and usually, as a Facebook user I am perfect in every way and humorous and witty and always intellectual. But the other day I caught myself typing a status that gave details of my lunch choice - I was horrified. It's easy to get sucked in, to become a tooth-brusher.
But there are somethings you will never catch me writing on there: 'w00t', 'squeeeeeeee', 'ROFL', 'LOL', 'LMAO', 'ROFLLMAO', or 'PMSL'. Oh, and 'nom nom nom' really hacks me off!
I like your hubs. I'm going to follow you, though not in a stalking way, but purely in a 'oh, I see that I've been sent an email notification alerting me to the fact that such-and-such has written an interesting and informative, and possibly humorous, new hub' sort of way.
Linda.
Lady Wordsmith: I am so glad I have found someone else who detests 'nom nom nom'. It is the most annoying thing for a reason I have no idea about!
Ok, that's the last time I attempt line-item comment replies.
Lesleysherwood: I just don't have the attention span. "I wonder what's bothering th-what was I just thinking about?"
Lady Wordsmith: I would instantly unfriend anyone who posted "nom nom nom."
Well, you're asking for it: nom nom nom.
I warned you, Nils! I'm setting my relationship status back to single!
Love the hub! However, you left out the category that I hate most and see lots of. It's the "Isn't my life fabulous" category. An example is "We're having a ball here staying in the presidential suite at this ultra-expensive resort where our little Timmy just graduated from Harvard and got engaged to his delightful supermodel girlfriend! Wow -- he surprised her with a 12 carat diamond ring! Haha, everyone keeps mistaking me for his fiancee the supermodel but I'm just his little old mom. Of course, I breeze through four P90X sessions a day, so I guess it's paying off! Can't wait for the wedding in Switzerland! Hope y'all can all make it!"
SmartAndFun: An excellent point. Sounds like you need new friends. I did have a fit of dry heaves recently when someone actually posted, "He went to Jared!"
Hmm, according to my second poll, 44% of the people reading this hub are liars.
I can find an example of every one of these status updates on my Facebook news-feed right now. I've definitely considered deleting friends solely because of their statuses, especially when one person is all over my news feed and I haven't even seen them since I graduated high school. I did in fact say that "I'm perfect" in the second poll, but only because I don't remember the last time I updated my status!
Voted up. This is both true and sad (mostly because I am completely guilty of the "Copy-Paste" and when I was eighteen I was a horrifying hybrid of "Drama Bomb" and "Lyrics Post") Why do I have any facebook friends left?
I find that I'm updating my status a lot less often since I published this hub. I'm paranoid I'll do something hypocritical.
Hey dayton, Im a Cincinnatian and somehow I ended up in Georgia. Thanks for the great facebook tips
scentualhealing: Thank you, just doing my part. How's the weather down there? A lot more consistent than up here, I'll bet.
This is wicked funny. I know a lot of my friends love to write a lot of the ones on your list... two thumbs up.
Phoebe: Thank you!
Great hub, I needed it to lift my spirit after today, you can't imagine what I went through... no, no, don't ask.
Robie Benve: Did you post a status update about it?
I'd almost be happy with some of the ones you mentioned; they're a bit more interesting than the "I just got up" stuff I see all-too-often. It's one of the only posts worse than the toothbrush stuff.
BTW - +1 to SmartandFun's pet peeve. I get a bit sick of the "Here we are on the latest cruise with our new yacht!" posts, too. Fortunately, I don't have too many friends in that category!
Marcy: I agree. I may one day expand this hub or do a followup hub that includes a (sufficiently modified that it can't be construed as plagiarism) version of that one.
Don't worry, Eric, you can have it if you really want it. But of course you are way funnier than I am, so I know you'll come up with something much better, anyway.
Thanks, SmartAndFun. I did find your example pretty funny, though.
lol! nice one!! seen a lot of that examples on my friends' status :))
Thank you, unknown spy!
Rehana Stormme 4 months ago
Hahahaha! This is hilarious!! LOL. Voted up and funny!