How To Raise My Daughter (In Case I Give Up)

They always say to write what you know, so I've decided to write a short guide to raising my own particular daughter, Aubrie. I'm sure there are some bits in here that are universal, and you might notice some parallels if you have a little girl with a big personality of your own.

About Your Aubrie

Congratulations! You are the proud parent of an Aubrie! You have been chosen to be the guardian, caretaker, and cultivator of a truly unique individual! Good luck! I mean, congratulations! Wait, didn't I already say congratulations? Well, it bears repeating, let me tell you!

Here are a few things you should know before you get started. Your Aubrie is in many ways extraordinary and superior to the average toddler. As a parent you are already predisposed to think this, but this may not prepare you for the overwhelming amount of supporting evidence you will encounter.

For instance, when most parents share anecdotes or otherwise brag about their children they are met with everything from politely appreciative nods that indicate mild interest to politely appreciative nods that conceal severe boredom. When you talk about your Aubrie to uninitiated others you can expect to see full-out, bug-eyed, slack-jawed, hyphen-ated shock on the faces around you. This will be followed, inevitably, with something along the lines of, "Wow! You are in trouble!"

"Ha ha!" you will think to yourself. "Thanks for the warning!"

This is because your Aubrie comes with many features that are optional for most toddlers and that most parents would not voluntarily select. But you wouldn't trade her for anything, right? Let us examine some of the specifics.

Milestones

At twenty-two months old your Aubrie is crushing milestones underfoot like grapes at Godzilla's winery.

Physically, your Aubrie towers over other children her age by several inches, and she can shove three-year-olds to the ground with ease. She can also lift full gallon milk jugs, carry them across a room, and drop them on your toes (or hers). She can climb stairs with the aid of a handrail and slide back down on her stomach, though that won't keep her from trying more creative methods of ascent and descent as well. She can run much faster than your comfortable walking pace and leap from coffee tables with precious little warning with assumption that you will catch her. She can even scale ladders. Hope you're paying attention!

Cognitively, your Aubrie is on par with a three-year-old and may in fact be even smarter, and if not she will simply shove him to the ground. By twenty-two months she is able to count to twenty, identify eleven colors, recognize the names and sounds of dozens of animals, imitate several cartoon characters, recite the preamble to the Constitution, and memorize the first five hundred digits of pi. Her vocabulary is several hundred words—greater than that of the average fifteen-year-old boy! She even knows some three-syllable words, and she will instantly and permanently retain any bad words she hears without any need for repetition or drills! She can also spell the first several letters of her name until she gets bored and can repeat abridged versions of popular children's songs and Christmas carols! ("Jingle bells, all way, oh-a-fun-a-ride-a-horse-a-sleigh! Hey!")

You might think that all if this intelligence is a good thing. Unfortunately, it won't change the fact that your Aubrie has the same ambitions as most almost-two-year-olds. To be specific, she wants to do or have whatever you don't want her to do or have. She'll just be smarter about it. Have fun!

Social Interaction

Your Aubrie is a ham, a diva, a drama queen, a prima donna, a princess, and in all other ways a little girl. Like all children, she will require a lot of love, attention, attention, social stimulation, and attention. She may show tendencies toward extroversion by favoring activities such as singing, being the center of attention, dancing, hogging the spotlight, talking, interrupting conversations that distract you from basking in her glory, making noise, climbing up on any available raised stage-like surface, making a lot of noise, and throwing tantrums if she is ignored for a fraction of a second by anyone in the room.

Her ability to show her emotions continues to become more sophisticated. And louder. It is helpful if you pay attention to her cues. When she is happy she will show it by being extremely active and screaming at the top of her lungs. When she is angry she will show it by being extremely active, screaming at the top of her lungs, and throwing things, including herself. When she is hungry she will scream at the top of her lungs about food, and she may also show increased activity levels. When she is anxious or upset she will do a lot of things and vocalize at the height of her range. When she is tired she will become quieter and less active for about five minutes. When she is overtired it's back to active and loud again, with an extra dose of pinging and irritability. When she is getting into something she is not supposed to she will be dead silent.

Activities

It is important for your Aubrie to engage in a lot of physical activity, just like it is important for the Pope to remain Catholic. It is also important for her to engage in activities that involve minimal participation from you, because let's face it: you will tire out hours before she will. An ideal activity is one that requires a small verbal prompt from you to trigger a large outburst of energy from her, such as the ever popular "Ready, set, go!" Of course, she will eventually get wise, and she will physically drag you off the couch for a raucous round of "horsey." Nothing will distract her from this goal. All you can do is assume the position and dock the chiropractor bills from her college fund.

She will enjoy entire milliseconds of her favorite television shows, but it is important that you not interpret TV time as a chance to relax unless she is physically in your lap. The television sends her invisible signals that prompt her to dump out all of her toy bins until the room is covered with an even two-inch layer of Fisher Price Little People and Duplo blocks. She will then break out the crayons and look for innovate new things to scribble on.

Health

Your Aubrie is growing at a rate of half an inch per day. She will need a lot of sleep to support this growth. We suggest putting her down at around eight in the evening and having her take at least a two-hour nap every day. Ha ha! Seriously, do your best, but with rare exceptions she will adamantly refuse to go to bed until at least half an hour past your own bedtime. Adequate length naps are about a fifty-fifty shot, and she will refuse to nap at all at least once a week.

Your Aubrie's calorie needs will vary as she goes through growth spurts followed by slower periods, but you should aim for her "normal" range, which is anywhere between forty and four thousand calories a day. There are days when she will pick at everything and live on an all-liquid diet and other days when she will eat three adult meals. By adult meals I don't mean adult-sized meals either. I mean actual adult meals that adults like, say, you were hoping to eat. Your Aubrie also has fairly non-discriminant taste, but she will absolutely devour the good stuff. Crab, lamb, scallops, fillet Mignon, and caviar are among her favorite foods. I know what you're thinking. No; I wasn't kidding about the caviar.

Potty Training

Your Aubrie is slightly below the recommended age for starting potty training, but don't be fooled. She knows exactly what to do and where. If she wanted to, she could potty train herself in a matter of hours. But she will be potty trained when she wants to be and not a moment sooner. The best way to help this process along is to silently pray that today is the day.

Discipline

Wow! You are in trouble!

Seriously, though, your Aubrie is, how shall we put it...strong-willed? Stubborn? Downright immovable? She's also smart, remember? This means that when you try to correct her you can expect to see whining, backtalking, attempts to distract you, lying, tantrums at very inopportune times, pathetic cries for help in front of strangers, and astoundingly, even a bit of rudimentary sarcasm. For instance, when mommy says that if she isn't good she won't get presents from Santa Claus, she will say, actually say, as in this is an actual quote from about a week ago: "Ha ha! You funny, mama!"

Lucky for her she's cute. The best way to correct your Aubrie's behavior is, um...You know, we'll have to get back with you. Still working on that one.

The Future

So now, at best count, your Aubrie has already been in her terrible twos for several months. In a month and a half she will actually turn two. What can you expect as she begins the transition from toddlerhood to preschool? Well, for milestones, you might as well look up a child development chart and skip ahead to, say, five years old and start reading. As for attitude, let's see here. We take where she is right now, compare that to the national average, advance the timeline and adjust accordingly, factor in...carry the two...and then...ah, here we are. By age three she will be smoking and sneaking out of her window at night to hang out with boys. Good luck!

Oh wait! I mean, congratulations!