The Potty Train Has Not Left the Station

My daughter Aubrie is about to turn two. She can count to twenty, recognize colors, draw a flower, and give a twenty-minute oral dissertation on the benefits of you making her a ba-ba, like, RIGHT NOW. So naturally, we decided she might be getting smart enough to start potty training.

Well. "Smart enough" does not imply "ready."

The Great Ba-ba Fit of 2011

We used bottle weaning as the model for our initial experiments. See, Aubrie continued to use a bottle for a month or two after she turned one, which these days is a good way to earn a look from your pediatrician as if you were feeding your child litter box nuggets. One day we decided enough was enough, so we picked up, essentially, a couple of bottles that had sippy cup-shaped nipples, which we figured would make a good transition. We filled one of them up and handed it to Aubrie.

She stuck it in her mouth for 1/16th of a second and dropped it like it was a snake. She glared at it for a second, then leaned over and started slapping it around the floor while yelling at it. Then she ran off into a corner, turned on us, and screamed at the top of her lungs. She continued to scream for about five minutes. We were half expecting her to start vomiting pea soup while her head spun around.

We figured we had a battle ahead of us, but about an hour later I tried again, and she begrudgingly took a couple of sucks from her new bottle. By that evening she was drinking from it as if she'd been doing it her whole life, and after the outburst that afternoon she never looked back. She's now graduated to full-out sippy cups, even though we still call them "ba-bas."

Nice Try

Unfortunately, the same method doesn't work for every milestone. We attempted a similar "immersion" tactic for the potty by stripping her down and letting her play in the kitchen with her Disney Princess potty nearby. She sat on it several times, but the event culminated in her throwing a bunch of toys in the potty and peeing on the floor right next to it. Noting the dismayed looks on our faces, she consoled us. "Don't worry guys!" she said.

Sage advice.

I think one of the truest signs that God has a sense of humor is the fact that potty training coincides with a phase in a toddler's life where they are also developing independent thought and a desire to control their environment. Why, oh why can't they learn to use the potty and then become strong-willed? Maybe it has to be that way; you need to exert a certain amount of control to corral the fluids that you've been allowing to flow freely for the past two years of your life. But the net result, as most parents know, is that nothing will happen on the potty training front until your child wants to be potty trained. Contrariwise, as soon as they want to go in the potty, everything will happen. I know the second Aubrie decides to buckle down and do it we'll have her in big girl underpants within a week.

In the meantime, all we can do is gently prod and encourage. Not that there hasn't been any progress. We have had two successful pees, as I've mentioned. I'm also happy to report that Aubrie has successfully potty trained all of her dolls. Hopefully someday soon she'll practice what she preaches.

In hindsight, there has been a pretty obvious indication that Aubrie isn't ready to send her waste down the pipes just yet. I'll share them so you can look out for them with your own child.

1. Puddles Next to the Potty

We've already touched on this. Hopefully you didn't actually touch it; If you did, wash your hands. So close, yet so far, but it's a pretty strong indicator of unreadiness. If your child wets the floor far away from the potty he or she could have simply not made it in time. When your child spends fifteen minutes wandering the kitchen naked and pees so close to the potty that the urine actually seeps under it you've got a pretty well defined preference that's hard to explain away.

2. Lying About the Status Of Her Diaper

Me: Aubrie, did you just go poo-poo?
Aubrie: (pauses a moment to make a strained face and grunt) No.

If they've got a steaming mess in their diaper that's knocking you over from ten feet away and they're trying to conceal it it obviously isn't bothering them very much. Not enough that you can look forward to scrubbing the potty bowl in the foreseeable future, anyway.

3. The Potty is a Toy

Whenever we put the potty in Aubrie's reach it seems that everything in the world ends up in it except pee or poop. She finds that it also makes a great step stool and it's fun to stand in. Maybe it's a good thing it doesn't get used for its intended purpose very much.

4. Bribing Does Not Work

"Aubrie, do you want to go pee-pee in the potty? If you do you'll get a treat! You'll get M&M's! We'll buy you a Reesey cup! You can have cookies and ice cream and...Aubrie? A new toy, or...Aubrie? Come back here! Don't you want to...Aubrie? Hello?"

5. Explicit Expression of Preference

Alas, Aubrie is articulate enough that when we ask her if she wants to use the potty she can actually respond, "No, diaper." It's hard to surmount that. You certainly can't chalk it up to lack of understanding.

Closing Thoughts

My wife has experienced a bit of potty envy on top of our own difficulties. Aubrie is both whip-smart and a girl, which on the surface sounds like the perfect recipe for early potty training. But we've seen children who can barely talk, yet they're already fully potty trained at as much as six months younger than Aubrie is not. At length, she finally decided that the reason why these kids are training faster is because they're "pleasers." They would do anything to make their Mommy and Daddy happy, so they immediately submit to any request made of them.

Aubrie does not have this problem. She loves to show off, but only the things that she decides are cool. She arguably began her terrible twos six months ago, so she's already had half a year to develop her ability to exert her will and be difficult. She's also not overly concerned with our approval because she's secure in the fact that we love her unconditionally and besides, she also has three sets of grandparents, an army of aunts and uncles, and pretty much everyone else she meets who think she's the bee's knees. I guess that what I'm saying, whether I intended to or not, is that the reason your child might be slow to potty train is simply because he or she simply doesn't give a crap (so to speak) what you think. Kind of makes you feel warm, doesn't it?

Er, actually, maybe something else is making you feel warm. Do you have your child on your lap, by any chance? Looks like it's time to break out the wipes! Best of luck to you. Please wish the same for me, too. I'm gonna need it.